My Belief That I’m Not Safe

I’ve been teaching how to change limiting beliefs for 30+ years. It’s really not difficult unless you have NO idea that one is lurking in the shadows.

SURPRISE: I recently came face-to-face with the belief that I am not safe.

Maybe you too are surprised since many view me as courageous. Move to a foreign country where I don’t know anyone or speak the language? No problem. Start and grow a multimillion dollar business filled with limitless risks? No problem. Walk away at the peak into the unknown? Really, no problem.

But have my mother say my hair looks awful after just spending $100’s to get a special treatment? BAM, dropped right into my complex.

It took awhile of spinning in it, asking good questions, unpacking it with a friend and letting myself feel all the feelings to finally realize that at my core, I feel unsafe and in that space, terrified.

Now I have a deeper understanding why I married my ex-husband, the Navy Seal. Even my ex-engagement to Patrick, who is still my best friend, came from my belief that he would keep me safe, especially if the world falls apart.

As a consciousness teacher, I pride myself on being a good student. I am aware that fundamentally safety is “an inside” job but now I see how I have also used my need/demand for integrity as a mechanism to feel safe and in control.

This post opens a new chapter as I continue to deepen my exploration into what kind of human I choose to be, the life I want to live and the world I want to help create.

Some days when “awakening” feels scary or painful, I wonder if I knew what was ahead, if I would have boarded Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride because there’s no real way off (for me). Once you see, you cannot unsee. Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful to be on the path, just acknowledging it’s hard.

As we know, life is unpredictable. I am watching parents, spouses, siblings and children die. I am witnessing the land burn, explode and flood as good people lose their homes and more. I am seeing governments, institutions, tribes and countries crumble.

There is such global suffering in the face of transformation as the old falls away. But if this is a measurement that we are on track, then I humbly bow my head in gratitude and pray for the strength for us all to stay the course.

I am crystal clear that in the face of the unknown, the mystery of life, the only real choice we have is how we are going to be with it. I will do my best to practice what I preach and turn toward the things I want to turn away from and consciously embrace that which frightens me and threatens my safety. I will continue to practice to love what is. Truly an initiation.

So I pray that the Light will always shine on and through us and continue to share even when I have more questions than answers.

Thank you for your love, the beauty of your soul and for courageously walking this path with me. As always, your comments, insights and more are welcome.